8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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