ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
