Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
