While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
