i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
