Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Pooping to opera.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
