A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
