my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
