so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
