im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
