i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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