Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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