Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
