I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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