I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
