Porn is love you can see.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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