Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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