You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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