I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
