he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
