don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
