Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
