Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
