I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
