so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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