my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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