Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
