i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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