I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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