she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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