why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
