End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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