The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
