census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
