Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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