I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
