we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
