I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
