are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you would pick up someone in the library
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
being pregnant is like rehab
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
