i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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