Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have demons in me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
