Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
