I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
