No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
