Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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