She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
