Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
