He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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