The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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