So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
