I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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