Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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