My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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