Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
