I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
