One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
