he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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