took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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