This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
