my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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